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Monday, December 18, 2006

Letter to Santa

How the f**k are you doing? I hope all's well up North thus far. How are things with the missus? Reindeers still poo-ing all over the front lawn? The gay elves getting frisky? Not that I give a flying f**k, to be honest. Well, it's that time of year again. Busy, busy!

Anyway, before I forget, thanks for a really rotten Christmas last year. Worst ever in my entire life! I had half the mind to fly over to the Pole just to give you a long overdue shave with a rusty dull penknife. But it's ok, I forgive you. I really do. My dark yesterdays are fading away and all I look forward to are the nice rainy todays and sunny tomorrows. So no worries, right? No shaving this year... for now, that is. But just in case you think the coast's clear, I'll be keeping score! You're not really known to be one that keeps to his promises. Millions of heartbroken kids and testify to that.

But you do owe me. I've paid my dues. This year, my list is as usual... nothing overwhemingly demanding. But since you're so connected, I'm sure you can swing in a few favours... so here goes :

1. People to be less patronizing.
2. Idiots to stop asking me anymore stupid questions.
3. For the (business) seeds to bloom next year.
4. Less interference in my private life.
5. To have a happier life from now on. Period!
6. To go on a long extended holiday.
7. All the backstabbing assholes to die by June 2007.

I'm not asking too much am I? At least I did not ask for pointless material gifts like a f**king Ferrari or something. By the way, remember the other Santa that you replaced a few years ago? In case that slipped your mind... here's a reminder. It's not a threat. Just a gentle recap...

Godspeed, old man!