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Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Tiësto is thy God?

Once again, Tiësto is leaving his mark on the history of dance music with his Elements Of Life tour series. For the blind followers... it's actually nothing new. It's a rehash from his 2004 Magik "concept" tour.

That itself was a fucking over-the-top deal. Most DJs walk into the decks and start DJing. Tiësto was elevated into the podium on a cloud by angels. He levitated over the audience and landed in the DJ booth. The heavens opened. God shone a bright beam of light to illuminate Tiësto. What theatrics!

Cynics have noted that all his "show" are underlined by such visual entertainment, grandeur and distraction, without which, people would actually have to listen to his banal mixing. One cannot deny that he possesses God-like telepathic powers as seen at his Malaysia F1 fiasco... the ability to mix with his hands still clapping in the air and his headphone unplugged. Seriously, this guy is THE ANSWER to the world's problems! Why wait for The Second Coming Of Christ when Tiësto can actually end starvation, cure diseases, resolve all military conflicts and bring world peace while created a life size replica of the Eiffel tower out of a piece of tampon and juggling records with his eyes closed.

Those that bought his "concert" DVD should check out the bonus features whereby other unannounced guest performers showcased their flawless miming alongside Tiësto. Those include The Easter Bunny who showered the audience with lovely chocolate Easter eggs, The Holy Trinity with their superb heavenly light show, Santa Claus who gave out copies of Tiësto's latest album and the Queen Elizabeth with her attempt at the Melbourne Shuffle.

Tiësto's grand finale was one to savour! He resurrected his entire audience from the dead. They died not from the mind numbingly boring music but rather from the sheer amazement of Tiësto's God-like powers. He ended his set and disappeared in a bright flash, leaving the audience to realise that the music they had been hearing wasn't from Tiësto but was from an Akai hard-disk recorder... miraculously powered by Tiësto's rectum.

Tiësto detractors, myself included, have to be warned that The Great One has attained Nirvana and is one of the very few in the world that can give himself blow jobs. You would be advised to worship the ground he walks on... besides God and Satan, there's Tiësto. Thus explains why Tiësto is rewriting the book of Revelations to amend how the world would end... after he unleashes 5000 almost different-sounding remixes of the superbly boring "Traffic".

From reliable sources Tiësto (who is gay by the way), is rewriting all the classic symphony pieces to include his own brand of "magic". Negotiations are also in the books to replace the face of The Statue Of Liberty with his own.

Those heading for his "new concept" tour this year, do look out his yet-to-be-released album "Music Of Blind Faith" with the lead single "Wanking In The Dark". Coming out soon on his brand new label, Black Arse Hole Recording.

I'm sorry if you're a Tiësto fan and you're very hurt after reading this post. Fact is, you deserve to be insulted and mocked at for being a blind follower. If you really love TRANCE, you won't taking everything at surface value and you won't be listening to self-important / over-commericialized "DJs" like such. I've heard girls say oxymoronic things like "I don't like trance but I'm going to Port Dickson to watch Tiësto."

We go to a rave / club to DANCE... not to WATCH the DJ.

4 Comments:

At 7:40 AM, MDFK said...: totally wicked !
At 9:59 AM, Pieces of Jadeite said...: Well said! I totally agree! Used to be his ardent fan.. but after attending one of his gigs i was totally totally disappointed big time! After thar it's tiesto NO more!
At 9:32 PM, Les said...: the last ISOS was the crappiest mix cd i've ever heard in my life... the worsttttttttt by any DJ
At 10:39 PM, Adminstrator said...: ISOS? Oh, Incredible Sounds Of Shit